Bryce Zabel's FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH

What Are The Chances?

I haven't been a subscriber to the Los Angeles Times for over five years now. I've found it easier to read on-line and, when I feel like it, I'll pick up a copy at the local Starbucks if I've got the time. Sometimes you just like the feel of a newspaper.

This morning around 6:15a, I went out front of my house to meet my running partner, Zach, and there was a plastic-bagged copy of the Los Angeles Times on my driveway. I have no idea why, after five years, I had one delivered to me. Maybe it was a mistake. Maybe it was some kind of promotion to lure back old subscribers.

So I opened it up while I was waiting and there, featured in full-color on the front page, is the picture you see here in this post. Here's that photo and caption as they appear in today's "Valley Edition" --

IN THE WAY: A Los Angeles police officer picks up KCBS cameraman Carl Stein to move him out of the way during the police sweep of MacArthur Park. Stein said he had been struck by a baton earlier.
Photo: Rick Loomis, Los Angeles Times

The thing is Carl Stein is a friend of mine, going back 25 years now. We met when my wife, Jackie, also worked at KCBS as a new writer/producer. Carl lives out near us, we work out at the same gym and we have even been in Weight Watchers together.

What are the chances that I get one paper delivered to my house in five years and that, on the day it happens, a friend of mine going back a quarter-of-a-century is on the front page?

It gets a little weirder. Six years ago yesterday, I was on the front page of the Los Angeles Times myself when I was the spokesman for the Writers Guild of America during their contract negotiations.

Welcome to the club, Carl. Something tells me the price of your membership was too high.

Pandemic: Going Viral

The Flu is Coming...

Here's the update on "Pandemic," the Hallmark mini-series that my wife, Jackie, and I wrote last year. The three-hour version will air on Hallmark on May 26.

Another piece of good news is that the Tribune Media Group has selected the film as their cable movie of the week which means it will be in contention for the TV section covers in all their newspapers.

Regular readers here know that this is my third Hallmark project. "The Poseidon Adventure" aired on NBC, USA and Hallmark in 2005-2006. Last year, "Blackbeard" was on Hallmark as a four-hour version. This year, it's "Pandemic." Hallmark has cut this one down to a three-hour, too, so it can be seen in a single night. Some overseas folks have already seen the four-hour, and that's what will also be out on DVD. In the small-world department, David Kenin who heads up Hallmark is also, like me, an Oregon Duck. So, you see, it's really a team effort. Although when you're talking about a bird flu, I don't know if sharing a team name like the Ducks is really an advantage...

Honestly, I wouldn't push this film if I didn't really like the way it turned out. As it happens, I do. A lot. It was shot entirely here in Los Angeles and has big production values -- from shooting at Tom Bradley International with lots of extras to scenes in Beverly Hills. Plus, there are car chases and shoot-outs that are first rate. Jackie and I were also impressed with how multi-cultural the cast feels -- it is as diverse as Los Angeles is in reality. So, hats off to Hallmark and Levinson Productions for a job well done. They always do an amazing job of getting the money up there on the screen, but this time they've outdone themselves.

That's Tiffani Thiesen, by the way, inside the bio-containment suit above. Over here to the right, she's looking a little more like the Tiffani we know and love, along with two of her co-stars French Stewart and Vincent Spano. She plays Dr. Kayla Martin, the first person to take the "Riptide" virus  of our movie seriously. I think there may be some people who might think she would be too lightweight to play a committed CDC doctor but, having seen the final film, both Jackie and I were surprised at how positive we felt about her performance. And, no, her hair does not look that good in the actual film. As you can see below, there's a lot of covering up in the medical scenes.

The project got its start back in late 2005 when Jackie and I pitched a mini-series, "Plague", to Dan Gross and Mike Moran over at Larry Levinson Productions. Basically, the title got changed but the film that got made is remarkably similar to that very first one-page description. In it, we laid out a world where authorities were so busy getting ready to fight the Bird Flu that another strain took them by surprise. Our film begins with a surfer dying on a plane bound from Australia to Los Angeles from a flu that has jumped from dying seagulls to people. Upon landing, everyone on the plane is quarantined in a Los Angeles hospital. There are lots of sub-plots but, suffice it to say, complications ensue. By the second half, the pandemic has escaped from the hospital to the streets of LA and soon authorities have no choice but to use the National Guard to lock down the entire city.

We named that first fatality Ames Smith, using the name of one of our son's friends, thinking it would probably be changed during legal clearances. But, as it turns out, Ames has stayed the course as "Patient Zero" in the pandemic. To the real Ames, we can only wish you a long life and happiness. We can only imagine how weird it would be to be 20 years old and watch a movie made where a character who shares your name is a flu fatality that starts a worldwide panic. Well, everybody wants to be important, right?

Anyway, here's the Hallmark web-page. My only advice is not to read the "synopsis" if you plan on watching "Pandemic" since it lays out every single plot point. The good folks at Hallmark PR (special thanks to Pam Slay) have done their job and then some. I wouldn't be surprised if this complete story is for reviewers who never get around to watching the film when it's mailed out or who can't remember who played what part and how their name is spelled. In any case, Major Spoiler Alert!

On the other hand, since Hallmark is spilling the beans in full, here's something that some of you may find interesting. It's our First Draft of Part One. So, it won't spoil how things turn out, and it's been changed anyway, but for those of you who think it's intriguing to see how things change from the page to the stage" this might be of interest. Check it out.

PANDEMIC, Part One, First Draft.pdf

In our "Pandemic" world, Faye Dunaway appears as the Governor of California and Eric Roberts plays the mayor of Los Angeles. Roberts gets a lot of advice from Bruce Boxleitner who plays his assistant (he's standing behind Roberts on the cell). Boxleitner, by the way, is married to another friend of mine, Melissa Gilbert, who ran the Screen Actors Guild at more or less the same time I ran the TV Academy. The two of them were interviewed together and the conversation touches on our mini-series. Bruce and Melissa and Jackie and I had dinner together a couple of years ago at Saddlepeak Lodge here in Malibu. Here in Hollywood you won't find many people as real and as easy to get along with as these two.

Another great performance comes from Bob Gunton who plays Dr. Max Sorkosky, the top dog at the CDC out of Atlanta who we modeled after Donald Rumsfeld. The character is pedantic, corrects the media, scolds his doctors and, for all his efforts, ends up kidnapped and having a cohersive measure applied to him that, well, it's something that would make Jack Bauer proud. If you think it's too sick to be believed, all I can tell you is that I thought of it (Jackie is innocent) and Gunton had to shoot it on his first day of production.

During the research and writing phase of this project, we certainly learned enough to scare the hell out of ourselves. People compare the possibility of a pandemic today to the one that hit us so hard back in 1918. This one will be different though. Viruses traveled much more slowly back then. These days, as we show in our film, they can hop, skip and jump an entire continent in a jet full of new carriers. On the other hand, the knowledge and understanding we have of disease is greater than ever. Will the two balance themselves out? Who knows?

Our film certainly follows the spread of the disease, and the medical attempts to contain it. What we found most interesting, however, was adding in the fact that people being imperfect humans are going to screw things up, constantly, even when it's ultimately not in their best interests. So we have people breaking out of the hospital, blockade runners, carriers who cough and sneeze their way across LA, others who steal anti-viral drugs, etc. On the side of truth and justice, we have a very hot looking CDC doctor. The smart money remains on Tiffani.

Obviously, the film is meant to be dramatic and not a documentary. If you want to become an expert on disease control, this is probably not the best way to get that expertise. But we did receive some great technical advice from the CDC's Dr. Stephen Ostroff and from Los Angeles superstar internal medicine expert Dr. Jeffrey Galpin. They really did help us keep it real.

Here's all I can say. Our family has purchased a box of high quality surgical masks and stashed a good supply of Sparkletts water and jars of peanut butter. If the real pandemic comes, you need to be able to keep a low-profile for three weeks at least, and maybe more. There won't be any public gatherings: no school, no movies, no Dixie Chicks concerts or Oscar awards. It will be time to stay home and wait it out. There is only one thing you can take heart in:

There will always be TV...

Drugs Can Kill

My running partner attended a DEA "fundraiser" for fallen agents yesterday where everyone who showed up got to fire a variety of weapons including, in Zach's case, three different kinds of machine guns. Plus, there was the agent with the handgun which fired a single 50-caliber bullet.

They even got to practice breaking into a meth lab. They said that most of the guys who cook this stuff up are not rocket scientists, the chemicals are so bad that they're all losing their teeth, and a lot of them die in prison after they're arrested. They also have to use special cell phones that won't possibly trigger an explosion with all that lethal stuff brewing.

Most interesting? One of the DEA agents said that he had told his own kid that if he ended up on drugs he'd kill him because at least he'd know "how he died." I'm assuming he was exaggerating for effect, but if I were his kid, I'd stick to a beer on weekends...

*****

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Ten Thoughts: Writing "Tough Love"

If you want to be a successful screenwriter, you probably know how much competition is out there.

The Writers Guild of America has about 10,000 members who all write at least one script a year, the film schools are churning screenwriters out faster than Taco Bell can make a Gordita, most frustrated lawyers have a spec "Boston Legal" screenplay in their drawers, and there must be another million or so people who type away on their word processors every night hoping to escape whatever they think is wrong with their lives with a huge spec sale to Hollywood. I'm not cynical, but I am a realist.

I'm also somebody who believes everybody needs to follow their dreams to the extent they can. And I'm also a pragmatist.

So two nights ago, I found myself at Jerry's Deli out here in the valley sitting down with a fellow University of Oregon graduate who wanted to talk about getting his screenwriting career kick-started. He has written five screenplays already and was hoping to sell one of them. He has no agent, manager, lawyer or, having recently moved to Los Angeles, many friends or contacts in the industry. He was considering writing more scripts so he'd have more variety to show people.

Now I could have told him the standard-issue advice. Write from the heart. Have something to say. Speak with passion. Instead, here's what I told him:

1) Don't write any more scripts until you've re-written each one of the first five so that they are bright, shining examples of perfection. People only read one page at a time and it is better to have one brilliant script to show around than five mediocre ones that need more work.

2) I told him I wouldn't read his scripts because, as a writer myself, I'm trying to sell my own scripts. This is my policy going back years because I don't want to read somebody's western, say, and then when I sell my own western years later, have that person claim I ripped them off.

3) His calling card is a Christmas script. I told him that a Christmas script is a fine thing for people who want a Christmas script (I have one), but it's not your "get-to-know-a-writer-better" script.

4) He was thinking of joining a "Writers Group." Why, I asked? So he can hang around with other writers and commiserate about how hard it is to get read? The only reason to join a writers group is to address loneliness issues, or to get feedback, but not to sell your script.

5) I asked him if he owned a laptop. He said no. I told him to buy a laptop, and spend at least one day a week visibly working on his screenplay in high-traffic area Starbucks in Beverly Hills, Century City, West Hollywood, Brentwood, Santa Monica, Burbank -- anywhere he could imagine that executives, producers, assistants, directors, agents, managers, etc. might be going for coffee. I told him to put a hard copy screenplay of his next to his laptop, and be working on it, too. That way, if anybody talked to him, he could say he had this one finished script and another one in the works.

6) I told him to buy a book with a provocative title, like The 48 Laws of Power (which with its bright orange and purple cover is also visually arresting) and put it on the table, too. This will make him an interersting person to start a conversation with.

7) He also does not belong to a gym. I told him to get a membership and to go regularly. My advice is to wear no headphones, and not to take an iPod, and to look available for conversation. I thought he should bring a hard copy of screenplay and a pen and visibly write notes on the script between weight sets (even it was, "I feel like an idiot, I think that woman is staring at me.")

8) Speaking of pens, he did not bring one to our dinner. That is a mistake. Bring one, plus a notebook, and write down any pearls of wisdom as they are difficult to remember later. Fortunately for this man, I have my blog and he can read it here.

9) He also did not think to ask me for other references. This is another mistake. Never solicit advice from anyone without asking for names of other people to call, using their name, at a later time. And use that pen to write down the names and numbers.

10) Put aside a portion of your budget for these lunches, dinners and coffees (assuming you have a day job that will let you). If you ask for the meeting, you pay. Basically, if you want somebody to help you sell your screenplay, then buy them a sandwich, don't make them buy you one. It's a double ask.

Okay, I realize some of these are calculating, paranoid, scolding and condescending, but... and this is the kicker... they just might work. Because ask yourself this: if this  would-be successful screenwriter stays at home writing scripts six, seven and eight and only goes to work at the office during the day, how is he going to plug-in with the people in Hollywood who could help him?

I should hasten to add here that nothing will ever work if what you write is pedestrian, mediocre or half-baked because, contrary to popular opinion, the people making a living at screenwriting out here are some of the brightest, wittiest and most tuned-in people you'll ever meet. And, the other truth is, most people who think what they write is pretty damn good are usually wrong. Sometimes, the fact that you can't sell isn't about access, but about the market having something to say to you about the quality of your material.

Finally, to this fellow UO Duck, I hope you sell your screenplay, become a big success and, if you do, let me in your writers group. Writing this blog is lonely work...

{NOTE: I wish I could credit the artist who did that artwork, but I don't know who it is. If you do, let me know.}

#24 Dream

Okay, maybe I was imagining this, but last night when our friends Scott and Andie were over for our Monday night big-screen "24" fix, I think I remember this conversation between Jack Bauer and Chloe O'Brien:

Chloe: Jack, where are you?

Jack: I'm outside the Russian embassy. I need you to get into the DWP system grid and turn off their power so I can get inside.

Chloe: (typing on computer) Okay, but that's going to take a couple of minutes.

Jack: Just do it, Chloe. And I need you to do a sweep of their offices to locate the nearest cigar clipper.

Chloe: I gotta go.

Jack: Wait! While you're in the system, I need you to find the holding tank three blocks down on Figueroa and turn that water into wine.

Chloe: What?!

Jack: I can't explain now. Just do it, Chloe. Get Morris to help.

Chloe: We're not letting Morris near alcohol -- even on a computer -- until we've found the loose suitcase nukes.

Jack: Whatever, Chloe. Get Milo.

Chloe: Milo's been shot.

Jack: Right, right. Look, Chloe, it's important. Figure out how to do it and get it done.

Chloe: (typing on computer) Alright, Jack. Burgundy or Merlot?

Jack: Merlot. If you can make it a good vintage.

Chloe: (hanging up) I gotta go.

Jack: (hanging up) I gotta go.

All I can say is that Chloe can do things with her computer that are simply miraculous. And she's not even using a Mac!

Oscar Post-Mortem: The Long and the Long of It

My God, do I love my TiVo! It allowed me to watch what I wanted to in the Oscars, and still catch "Battlestar Galactica" at the same time.

Best scripted moment was probably Al Gore getting played off the stage as he tried to announce his presidential intentions. If I were Al Gore, I would go home to Tennessee, enroll in Weight Watchers for two or three months, play coy, then emerge in late spring about 20 to 30 pounds lighter and announce that I was running for president again. That's if he still wants to do it and he wants to win.

As for the rest of the show, well...

Since Laura Ziskin, the producer, actually set the record for longest show ever when she did these last time (I think), I'm surprised that she let it run as long as it did. Did we really need gospel singers at the top of the show when there was already so much music to shoe-horn in? Did no one actually put a stop-watch to the script and estimate? If they did, and they came out this long, how did that happen?

I've been to two Oscars and they can actually seem even longer live. At least at home you can talk to people about what you're really thinking during the commercial breaks. At the actual Oscars, you stand up to stretch, but you never know who knows who so the last thing you do is say anything acutely honest.

It seemed to me that an unusual amount of people felt the need to read their remarks and thank-you's tonight from their little cards pulled out of suit pockets. That, plus the fact that they announced prior to reading them that they had to write them down and were going to read them. In several cases, by the time they got to reading them, they'd already exceeded the amount of time they should have taken in the first place. A good speech should be heartfelt, short, say something about the project, something personal, and if you have to thank people, weave them organically into your comments or just forget about it. Most of the speeches tonight were pedestrian and a few were just downright awful. Forest Whitaker's speech, for example, would have been very good if he hadn't read it. I know he can memorize lines because he's an actor. He's got that skill and he should have used it.

Also, I think I've got this quote right, but Jennifer Hudson accepted her Oscar with this: "I thank God for helping me keep the faith, even when I didn't believe." But, hey, at least she didn't read it from a damn card!

I'm sorry "Little Miss Sunshine" didn't win, but I'm not surprised.

Oscar, Emmy, Ellen, Me, You & Little Miss Sunshine

So, in a few hours now, Ellen DeGeneres will host the Academy Awards. Because the "Best Picture" race is wide-open and because half of America is frozen in ice and snow, there will probably be a decent audience.

I will follow my new tradition of Tivo'ing awards shows so that when someone starts to name agents, managers, and hairdressers instead of saying something charming or witty about the film or their role in it, then I will zip past them. On to the next, yes?

I doubt very much I will need the Tivo for Ellen's bits, though...

For me, watching Ellen DeGeneres brings back a lot of memories, going back to 2001 when she hosted the Emmy awards that, unfortunately, I had a big part in canceling -- twice -- because of 9/11 and then the war in Afghanistan. 

Ellen was absolutely terrific that year -- welcoming us to the 53rd, 54th and 55th Emmy awards, then casting herself as the Taliban's worst nightmare, wondering if there was anything that could bug them more than a lesbian woman in a pantsuit surrounded by Jews.  Her tone was perfect and her timing spot on. 

Quick refresher.  The Emmys in 2001 were originally slated to take place on September 16, which became impossible in the immediate shock and grief of 9/11.  So we re-scheduled for October 7, only to have the bombing campaign on Afghanistan start that morning, forcing us to cancel a second time.  Finally, on November 4 we put them on -- after all, by then all we had to compete against was an incredibly exciting 7th game of the World Series!  At least they happened...

In the third Emmy awards that happened on my watch -- 2003 -- Ellen was also one of 11 comedians who we had share the hosting duties.  She also co-hosted with Patricia Richardson in 1994.  When you get four times on the stage as a host, you're moving past trend to habit. Then they asked her back last year. I guess the people who run the Oscars were watching TV even when they pretend not to.

The virtual photo album I've put together from my Emmy experience can be seen by clicking here.  A lot of it deals with the 2001 Emmys.  Here's the specific page with Ellen.  I've put a lot of crazy captions with celebrities inside - from Eric McCormack to Jon Stewart to Michael Chiklis.

But today belongs to Oscar...

Pandemic: Hallmark Goes Viral

The Flu is Coming... and maybe it's the real deal if you read the papers and surf the net but, at the very least, it turned out to make for a compelling and interesting "What-if?" that will soon be coming to a television set near you. All I know is that I spent the better part of year reading about and thinking about what would happen when, and if, the pandemic really hits us.

Writing this particular blog-post may be the literal version of "going viral." At least it involves using the Internet to whip up interest in the three-hour special event movie about a virus that threatens to wipe out life as we know it. It's a script that my wife Jackie and I wrote for the Hallmark Channel and its name is ... PANDEMIC. Look for it to air either in very late May or very early June of 2007.

Regular readers here know that this is my third Hallmark project. "The Poseidon Adventure" aired on NBC, USA and Hallmark in 2005-2006. Last year, "Blackbeard" was on Hallmark as a four-hour version. This year, it's "Pandemic." Hallmark has cut this one down to a three-hour, too, so it can be seen in a single night. Some overseas folks get the four-hour, and that's what will also be out on DVD. In the small-world department, David Kenin who heads up Hallmark is also, like me, an Oregon Duck. So, you see, it's really a team effort. Although when you're talking about a bird flu, I don't know if sharing a team name like the Ducks is really an advantage...

Honestly, I wouldn't push this film if I didn't really like the way it turned out. As it happens, I do. A lot. It was shot entirely here in Los Angeles and has big production values -- from shooting at Tom Bradley International with lots of extras to scenes in Beverly Hills. Plus, there are car chases and shoot-outs that are first rate. Jackie and I were also impressed with how multi-cultural the cast feels -- it is as diverse as Los Angeles is in reality. So, hats off to Hallmark and Levinson Productions for a job well done. They always do an amazing job of getting the money up there on the screen, but this time they've outdone themselves.

That's Tiffani Thiesen, by the way, inside the bio-containment suit above. Over here to the right, she's looking a little more like the Tiffani we know and love, along with two of her co-stars French Stewart and Vincent Spano. She plays Dr. Kayla Martin, the first person to take the "Riptide" virus  of our movie seriously. I think there may be some people who might think she would be too lightweight to play a committed CDC doctor but, having seen the final film, both Jackie and I were surprised at how positive we felt about her performance. And, no, her hair does not look that good in the actual film. As you can see below, there's a lot of covering up in the medical scenes.

The project got its start back in late 2005 when Jackie and I pitched a mini-series, "Plague", to Dan Gross and Mike Moran over at Larry Levinson Productions. Basically, the title got changed but the film that got made is remarkably similar to that very first one-page description. In it, we laid out a world where authorities were so busy getting ready to fight the Bird Flu that another strain took them by surprise. Our film begins with a surfer dying on a plane bound from Australia to Los Angeles from a flu that has jumped from dying seagulls to people. Upon landing, everyone on the plane is quarantined in a Los Angeles hospital. There are lots of sub-plots but, suffice it to say, complications ensue. By the second half, the pandemic has escaped from the hospital to the streets of LA and soon authorities have no choice but to use the National Guard to lock down the entire city.

We named that first fatality Ames Smith, using the name of one of our son's friends, thinking it would probably be changed during legal clearances. But, as it turns out, Ames has stayed the course as "Patient Zero" in the pandemic. To the real Ames, we can only wish you a long life and happiness. We can only imagine how weird it would be to be 20 years old and watch a movie made where a character who shares your name is a flu fatality that starts a worldwide panic. Well, everybody wants to be important, right?

Anyway, here's the Hallmark web-page. My only advice is not to read the "synopsis" if you plan on watching "Pandemic" since it lays out every single plot point. The good folks at Hallmark PR (special thanks to Pam Slay) have done their job and then some. I wouldn't be surprised if this complete story is for reviewers who never get around to watching the film when it's mailed out or who can't remember who played what part and how their name is spelled. In any case, Major Spoiler Alert!

On the other hand, since Hallmark is spilling the beans in full, here's something that some of you may find interesting. It's our First Draft of Part One. So, it won't spoil how things turn out, and it's been changed anyway, but for those of you who think it's intriguing to see how things change from "the page to the stage" this might be of interest. Check it out.

PANDEMIC, Part One, First Draft.pdf

In our "Pandemic" world, Faye Dunaway appears as the Governor of California and Eric Roberts plays the mayor of Los Angeles. Roberts gets a lot of advice from Bruce Boxleitner who plays his assistant (he's standing behind Roberts on the cell). Boxleitner, by the way, is married to another friend of mine, Melissa Gilbert, who ran the Screen Actors Guild at more or less the same time I ran the TV Academy. The two of them were interviewed together and the conversation touches on our mini-series. Bruce and Melissa and Jackie and I had dinner together a couple of years ago at Saddlepeak Lodge here in Malibu. Here in Hollywood you won't find many people as real and as easy to get along with as these two.

Another great performance comes from Bob Gunton who plays Dr. Max Sorkosky, the top dog at the CDC out of Atlanta who we modeled after Donald Rumsfeld. The character is pedantic, corrects the media, scolds his doctors and, for all his efforts, ends up kidnapped and having a cohersive measure applied to him that, well, it's something that would make Jack Bauer proud. If you think it's too sick to be believed, all I can tell you is that I thought of it (Jackie is innocent) and Gunton had to shoot it on his first day of production.

During the research and writing phase of this project, we certainly learned enough to scare the hell out of ourselves. People compare the possibility of a pandemic today to the one that hit us so hard back in 1918. This one will be different though. Viruses traveled much more slowly back then. These days, as we show in our film, they can hop, skip and jump an entire continent in a jet full of new carriers. On the other hand, the knowledge and understanding we have of disease is greater than ever. Will the two balance themselves out? Who knows?

Our film certainly follows the spread of the disease, and the medical attempts to contain it. What we found most interesting, however, was adding in the fact that people being imperfect humans are going to screw things up, constantly, even when it's ultimately not in their best interests. So we have people breaking out of the hospital, blockade runners, carriers who cough and sneeze their way across LA, others who steal anti-viral drugs, etc. On the side of truth and justice, we have a very hot looking CDC doctor. The smart money remains on Tiffani.

Obviously, the film is meant to be dramatic and not a documentary. If you want to become an expert on disease control, this is probably not the best way to get that expertise. But we did receive some great technical advice from the CDC's Dr. Stephen Ostroff and from Los Angeles superstar internal medicine expert Dr. Jeffrey Galpin. They really did help us keep it real.

Jackie and I just talked to freelance writer and publicist David Martindale (no relation to Wink) for an hour this morning. He's preparing the press materials for the May campaign. As it turns out, Hallmark likes the way this has turned out so much that there's even talk of mounting an Emmy campaign. Maybe being a past chairman of the TV Academy will pay off.

Here's all I can say. Our family has purchased a box of high quality surgical masks and stashed a good supply of Sparkletts water and jars of peanut butter. If the real pandemic comes, you need to be able to keep a low-profile for three weeks at least, and maybe more. There won't be any public gatherings: no school, no movies, no Dixie Chicks concerts or Oscar awards. It will be time to stay home and wait it out. There is only one thing you can take heart in:

There will always be TV...

Global Warming? Talk About Cognitive Dissonance!

To all the people around the United States and the rest of the world who are freezing, stuck in fifty-mile long traffic jams, sitting for half a day on an airport tarmac waiting to take off, shoveling snow and all the other things I've been seeing and hearing on the news...you can be forgiven if you're feeling a little skeptical about the whole global warming thing.

It feels so unreal watching what hardships you're enduring. Because here, where I live, this is our weather report.

Today...Mostly sunny. Highs from the lower to mid 70s at the beaches to the lower to mid 80s inland. Local north winds 15 to 25 mph with gusts to 40 mph below passes and canyons from Malibu to Hollywood.

Tonight...Mostly clear. Lows in the 50s...except in the lower 60s in breezy locations. Areas of north to northeast winds 20 to 30 mph with gusts over 45 mph below passes and canyons from Malibu to Hollywood.

Saturday...Mostly sunny. Highs from the lower to mid 70s at the beaches to the lower to mid 80s inland. Areas of north to northeast winds 20 to 30 mph with gusts over 45 mph below passes and canyons from Malibu to Hollywood in the morning...diminishing during the afternoon.

That's right. I expect the temperature to get over 80 degrees today out by my house. It's shirt-sleeves and shorts weather. Margueritas at the outdoor cantina. That kind of thing.

I'm sorry to have to report that dismal news for you cold-weather types, but facts are facts!

Up Close with Tiger and the Gang

Just got back from watching the Tiger Woods Target World Challenge, played out at the Sherwood Country Club. It was a beautiful warm day (close to 80 degrees) and my biggest concern currently is my sunburn. I know, boo-hoo...

I'm not much of a golfer, although I play every five years whether I need to or not. But my friend, Don Most, who invited me to this, is a very fine golfer himself and showed me how to get the hang of hanging with the gallery. Yes, Tiger was available to be seen, but the crowd shadowing him was, well, competitive. So instead we followed Adam Scott (#4 PGA) and Geoff Ogilvy (U.S. Open Champion) from Australia for most of the morning, but also Padraig Harrington (European #1) of Ireland and Michael Campbell of New Zealand. I guess there are 16 golfers at this event (ALL of them top-rated this year) and these four were outstanding. From the score board so far, I'd say Ogilvy was smokin' while we watched; and Tiger Woods was having a great day himself.

Watching these guys hit close up was a revelation. I thought a couple of the drives were going to cause sonic booms they rocketed out with such authority. It also impressed me how few practice swings people took. Most often, they pretty much just walked up to the ball and hit it.

A couple of things struck me as funny, too. First off, here it is a national event, covered by USA Network and also ABC, and they still had to put up with the distraction of gardeners working at houses off the fairway doing their "mow and blow." Then there were the barking dogs that could not be silenced.

I just hope I don't peel...