EDITOR'S NOTE: This essay was submitted to Harvard by Carlmont High School senior Zack Reynard and actually got him an interview. Yeah, we'll keep you posted...
I am the single greatest student ever to apply to Harvard.
I am by far the smartest person I know.
I have scored perfectly on every test I have ever taken.
By the age of nine I had conducted four symphonies, written seven novels, and earned twelve PhD’s.
By the age of ten I had confirmed Einstein’s theory of relativity, disproved the Big Bang Theory, and discovered the true reason that the dinosaurs went extinct.
My Nobel Prize collection takes up three bedrooms, two bathrooms and a large garage.
If it is true that the universe is constantly expanding, it is most likely to fit the wondrous entity that is my mind.
I have memorized pi in its entirety.
I am fluent in Spanish, French, Latin, Mandarin, Italian, German, Icelandic, Slovenian and many languages most are not even aware exist.
The rate at which I learn is so fast that I will possess infinite knowledge by the time you are finished reading this essay.
When I am not busy bearing the burden of the scholarly advancement on my shoulders, I fill my time serving the community.
I have developed the cure for several diseases, including Cancer, Malaria, Hepatitis A, B, and C, Diabetes, nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, and diarrhea.
I care for the elderly, sing to the homeless, and run marathons to help find cures for the few diseases I have yet to do so.
I have single-handedly prevented the extinction of fourteen different species of animals.
I drive a car I built myself, which runs solely on my endless piles of perfect tests.
My extracurricular achievements far exceed that of any normal human being.
I have been the captain, all star, and most valuable player of every team I have ever played on.
I am currently being recruited by professional teams from several different sports, including the Atlanta Braves, England Cricket Team, Chicago Bears, Canberra Vikings, Toronto Maple Leafs, and Cleveland Cavaliers.
I have participated in every school club, activity, and function since the age of four.
As treasurer of my middle school, I eliminated our trillion dollar deficit in a matter of minutes.
My massive amount of school spirit has been known to cause fainting, epileptic seizures, and a sudden onslaught of diarrhea (luckily, I discovered the cure).
I will be humbly awaiting your acceptance letter.
