Okay, I haven't yet seen the movie, "Snakes on a Plane" but, according to the L.A. Times, neither did a lot of people who the pundits thought would show up. The film pulled in a disappointing $15-million. I think part of that explanation is that snakes just creep a lot of people out and being stuck in a movie theater watching a movie about people being stuck in a plane with a snake "problem" just doesn't sound like that much fun.
I feel like I've seen this movie anyway, what with the unprecedented hype and the fact that Samuel Jackson has single-handedly defined the word "ubiquitous" through his break-neck schedule of pre-release personal appearances. There will be time enough later to dissect fictional snakes on fictional planes.
Besides, why pay for a nightmare scenario that I can have for free? I'm writing today about real snakes in my backyard.
It is snake season here in California and rattlesnakes seem to be out in force. Some people say it was all the rain that creates an increased rodent population which spurred on more snakes. Or maybe it's just another sign of the apocalypse. Or maybe the rain was the sign of the apocalypse and now this is only a symptom, I can't be sure.
All I know is that they are out there and even the Los Angeles Times reported just over a week ago that a poor chimpanzee in our zoo died after being bitten by a rattlesnake. Zoo director John Lewis commented:
"Our staff is constantly on the lookout for rattlesnakes. Typically when they find them in the zoo or the exhibits, they relocate them to the park."
Good plan, John. Let's put them in Griffith Park so that families who are having a picnic with their kids can have a little excitement.
Our gardner Tom, an ex-Simi Valley police officer, found one the other day and showed up at our front door holding it... ALIVE! He had gotten the reptile by the head between his thumb and forefinger so that we could all get a good look at those fangs. Wow... they were not something I would want nipping at my ankle, let's just leave it at that. Tom actually threw this mutant over the back fence before I could tell him to beat it senseless. This was actually very kind of Tom, given the fact that last year he got bit and ended up in the hospital for several days with an arm the size of Burbank. Apparently, he'd been reaching in some brush and got bit, but thought it was a scratch and so didn't seek help immediately.
By the way, other than getting to the hospital ASAP, they also recommend that you do not elevate whatever limb that was bitten above your heart. My reaction is that if you have to think about where your limbs are in relation to your heart, then you probably should be in a hospital, you know? Anyway, here's what else Wikipedia had to say on the subject of First Aid:
"It is important to keep a snake bite victim calm in order to avoid elevating their heart rate and accelerating the circulation of venom within the body."
Calm? After being bit by a rattlesnake? We have people freaking out just seeing one. If they got bit, man, I really think most people I know would start calling in airstrikes.
Our neighbors found one the other day and called the fire department. Two trucks and four firefighters showed up, complete with snake wrangling equipment. I think they're getting a lot of calls these days, handling more snakes than brush fires.
Then there's my running partner, Zach, who found one up by his horse barn. He used one of these extendable tree trimmers to grab the varmit and then his wife and son ended up beating the thing into a bloody pulp with garden tools. Based on the zookeeper, I'm pretty sure this is not the politically correct way to deal with a rattler, but it did prevent that particular snake from terrorizing Zach's horses any time soon. By the way, he reports that snake blood is bright red, like ours.
Now the snake web-sites will tell you this is an unnecessary overreaction because snake bites are a part of life in some parts of this country. If you get bit, besides not elevating or panicking, they also recommend you don't use a tourniquet or cut it or anything. Get bit, go to hospital. Check.
One of the reasons I don't hike in the Santa Monica mountains this time of year is my fear of getting bit by a rattlesnake. Imagine being several miles from trailhead, getting snagged by a long pair of fangs, but remaining calm and avoiding raising your heart rate while hiking back in to your car. Pass.
My wife and I were watching an episode of "Animal Planet" last year about a father who came in with a snake bite. We watched out of curiosity to see how long it would take him to recover and what kind of ordeal it was. You know what happened? The poor bastard died!
Maybe that's why Zach knows a different reality. When it comes to snakes, he's figuring that it's kill or be killed.
